This year is 20 years since I first felt that feeling of not wanting to live anymore. 20 years since I created The Dying Sheep name that eventually became Eccentric Sheep. 20 years since I attempted to end my own life. 20 years of on and off lies from darkness have followed me on this path. What wisdom do I have to offer you from my experience in the fires?
You must depend on what is inward and within you for your will to live instead of what is outward and outside of you.
In our darkest moments, we are alone with God. Whether you believe in God or not, he is the only one that can be with you in that moment. When those lies fill our minds and we drop to our knees, we are completely alone. It is those darkest moment with our knees to the ground we decide if we are going to continue this life or not.
I don’t believe any person or anything is enough for someone to continue living when they cross the line in that moment on their knees. When someone succumbs to the lies in that moment alone, no one can help them.
This is why I don’t believe in hanging your choice to live on other people and other things. Perhaps for a brief time if you must live for a partner, family member, or friend sure go ahead. However, your will to live must ultimately hang on whoever can be present in that darkest moment on your knees where the choice to continue to live or not is made. The only ones present in that moment are you and God.
You must decide to live because you chose to. Even better to lean on higher powers that are eternal instead of temporary that are constant regardless of how out of control this world feels. The lies tell us that everyone is better off without us. You can’t live for other people when the lies tell you that they are better off without you. We have seen over and over that those with amazing family and friends still decide to end their lives. You cannot put your will to live on something the lies can take advantage of.
No other human beings will be with you in that darkest moment. Have faith in the almighty creator of the universe who is the only one that can be present with you. The only one who can get you back up to your feet to keep going in that moment…is you.
