Anxiety is something that, like depression, I have years of experience with.  It’s a little different from depression though.  I developed an allergy to disposable gloves that triggered a huge cascade of anxiety that still exists today.  I didn’t always have huge anxiety about germs and dying and all the other things that cause the creation of the most worst case scenarios in my mind when things feel out of my control.

I don’t really have any answers for you on anxiety.  It’s hard to even know what to say about dealing with it.

The last few months I have been a little angry with God about feeling a little abandoned to anxiety on different levels.  Ever since my town had to deal with the damage from enormous hail from one of the craziest storms I have ever seen…I have found myself a little scared of rain, thunder, and wind when it starts to gust.  I think back to that egg and golf ball size hail that pummeled my car and house.  I prayed and prayed for it to be over as it sounded like baseballs were thrown at the roof.  Even though we were safe, seeing all the damage outside left me shaken.  Now just like my cat, when the winds pick up and the rain begins to fall, I get a little nervous that the enormous hail could return.

The roads flood easily around here in rain, and driving through flooded streets scares me a bit after having my car die and being stranded in deep water in the early morning hours on an empty back road near my work.  After a while, I started to only see rain and flooded roads as an instance of being abandoned by God.  I kept feeling alone in the rain and flooded roads.  I felt like he had left me out there alone and scared.  I started to hate rain and get angry at God with each storm that came through my area.  I felt like he left me out in the storms alone.  I felt like he had left me when I needed him the most.

The best I can do is this poem I wrote recently.  Its about being angry with God and feeling being abandoned and turning away from him, but realizing there is nowhere else to go if you turn away from God.  When I get mad enough with God I’ll turn off my Christian music and listen to other stuff, but after a while I realize there is nothing there for me, and I go back to the music that inspires me to action and gets me through all my trials.

This poem is called “Anger in the Floodwaters”

 you did it again!
you abandoned me!
when I needed you the most!

the flood waters rose
I was trapped by rising waters
and you left me there alone!

I feared death in that moment
my hands shook
and my feet trembled
I stood absolutely terrifed
AND I ALSO STOOD ALONE

where were you when the waters took me and I lost my ground?

where were you when I could barely keep my head above water?

YOU ALWAYS DO THIS THIS ME!!!

maybe I wasn’t trapped in flood waters
maybe I wasn’t near death
maybe I was on dry ground
maybe I was truly safe

but when anxiety hits
its like huge waves coming at me
and I feel like i’m trapped
I feel like I’m drowning in panic and fear

and in that moment
I CAN’T FIND YOU!!!

In my anger I spoke
and no one had an answer

no one will have an answer

but i know
if someone else wrote this
I would answer in a heart beat

you’re going to make me answer my own remarks aren’t you?

the the truth is…
when it comes to anxiety
sometimes God leaves us with it
and leaves us with our fear

because he knows we can endure it
he knows we can see it through
he knows we are going to be okay

the truth is….
he never left us
he was right there the whole time

I was blinded by my fear
he actually had never left me

and when I spoke in anger and turned away
he didn’t leave me then

I didn’t turn away for long…
because when i looked around

I realized….
there was no where else to go

he had the words of truth and love
there was no where else worth going
but remaining at his side

so hopefully one day
when floodwaters of anxiety and fear begin to rise
and i feel trapped and near death

even if I must endure it
with shaking hands
and trembling feet
I hope I at least remember
that he hasn’t left me

 

 

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